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Am am a visitor here, I am not permanent

  • Dec. 13th, 2007 at 8:16 PM
Finals for this semester are over.

I should be relieved, but somehow I still feel work heavy on my shoulders.
I need to move past yesterday's excitement.

more like yesterday's downfall.
Everyone falls at least once, and they don't expect me to be perfect.

but you know what, it's not them that expect me to be perfect, it's me.

I feel something heavy on my heart. Something holding me down from actually feeling relieved that school is over for almost a month.

I need to feel good.
He makes me feel good.
I'm happy with him.
I know he's happy with me.

Nothing matter's when we're together.

I can't wait for our vacation.

nervous breakdown part1

  • Jun. 21st, 2007 at 10:22 PM
Obviously this had come at some point.
A REAL breakdown.
oh and SAFARI on windows is the best thing ever.
I just downloaded it.

The easiest thing to do is drink all the pain away.
My last nervous breakdown happened when I was in college.
I cut all my hair off.
I pretty much had an inch of hair.

This time it came as more of a, "kill the enviroment around me" type of breakdown.
I tore down my walls. I stopped half way and just cryed.
I have no future. My production company is dead.
No really.
I killed it.
It's no more.
I don't want to do it here anymore.
I'm tired.
...of everything, and everyone and their lies.

I need an honest person in my life. Someone
who wont let me down. It's not that he let me down,
it's that he'll never understand. EVER. And I'm not about to spend
the rest of my life trying to make him someone he's not.

I love him, and I always will, but it's time to stop lieing to myself.
It's just not fair, and I'm not the only one that should feel like this.

Am I alright?
I will be.
I always will be.

And in time, it'll all be a distant memory of what once was.
and yet what could have been.

Jun. 20th, 2007

  • 1:10 PM
I haven't slept right for the last 3 nights.
I'm not even joking when I say that nothing is right.

he feels it.
I'm so distant lately.

Even going to work, I just feel so, UGH.
I can't wait till I move departments.
I'll be working in a bigger box at least.
And away from people that make that job impossible
to handle sometimes.

I like closing. I like closing with certain people.
I do not like opening. Ever. wait, I take it back.
I like opening on Sundays, but alone.

Perhaps I'll go get drunk off the situation soon.
i don't give a fuck.

It's all over.

  • Jun. 18th, 2007 at 12:41 PM
Every dream, everything, it's all over.
I haven't stopped crying for the last 2 days.

I'm not going to tell him.
I can't.
He'd hate me.
I hate me.

They all read the same thing.
pink, yes, congratulations!, ++

all 6 of them. And they said it could never happen to me.
So much for college, and a career. So much for everything.
Perhaps this was the biggest mistake of my life.

I too much in debt already. I'm going to leave.
I'm going to move away before anyone finds out.

Jun. 17th, 2007

  • 3:27 AM
I should have known better.

The only person in the world I can be angry at is myself.
For being a stupid fucking girl.

It's time to escape.
I need to leave this place again for a while.
Not LJ, but Laredo.

Jun. 16th, 2007

  • 6:58 PM
So strange how you can feel something one day and nothing the next.

I know I can't, but apparently other people can.
but then again, these are the people that are......

Jun. 14th, 2007

  • 8:57 PM
I going to take a nap, in hopes that it'll make him come back sooner.
how on EARTH did I become so damn attached?

I don't care. All I know is that I've never been happier...sorta.

hey, whoa.

  • Jun. 10th, 2007 at 12:48 PM
I can't believe how content I am where I am.
Time to let go and live.
No more wanting the people I can't have.

I've got wonderful people in my life right now.
I've got an amazing life right now.
I'm ready to smile again for real.

oh and he has always made me smile...since day 1.
But at least now I can tell him exactly why he makes me smile.

To whom it may concern:

  • Jun. 5th, 2007 at 1:06 PM
It has come to my attention that hosting shows in Laredo is much harder then many people would like to admit to. I'm not giving up, but honestly, I'm wondering where the motivation is to keep this scene alive. The June 8th Planning Fallacy show is canceled. Don't act like you did something to help this happen because you didn't. I've been one person doing this for 3 years. Even with someone now helping me, the burden still isn't off.

Nothing makes me more upset than having to cancel a show. It's discrediting, it's a shitty feeling. But I would never host a half-assed show for a band I truly cared about.

The next show (The Ready Aim Fire!) will end up being in my backyard. If I find the resources and time to host some shows elsewhere I'll let you all know. But till then, we're working on Winterfest already and are going to send out flyer's for when our committee elections will be. Be prepared for something big, something that you'll never forget. It really is time to set this up and make it something worth while. I would like to turn a profit for once in my life. I would like to show Laredo that it is possible to have a decent music scene here.

Once again, so those of you who were looking forward to this upcoming show on Friday, I'm sorry. We're still in search of a venue that will allow me to have all ages shows and not turn us down the next time because they make no profit from drinks.
I've been approached several times to host shows at +21 shows and bars and I've turned them down. I started this for a purpose, and I'll end it with that same principal. We will have all ages shows and keep music alive in our lives.

If you have any interest in helping us out as a volunteer employee with LoveHate Productions email us. vanessa@lovehaterecords.com or alejandrojustin@yahoo.com or message us on myspace. We really are looking for some dedicated individuals to help us out.

Thanks for the great years, how 'bout we do it again? and better.

-LoveHate Vanessa

Viva Las Vegas

  • May. 24th, 2007 at 11:44 AM
It's almost been a year since I've been here.
Everything looks a little more organized.
kind of like my life.

things are better.

I do miss college station a HELL of a LOT.

and I'm leaving for the great LAS VEGAS, like....NOW.

so I'll catch this thing again some time soon. a Week from now.