Finals for this semester are over.

I should be relieved, but somehow I still feel work heavy on my shoulders.
I need to move past yesterday's excitement.

more like yesterday's downfall.
Everyone falls at least once, and they don't expect me to be perfect.

but you know what, it's not them that expect me to be perfect, it's me.

I feel something heavy on my heart. Something holding me down from actually feeling relieved that school is over for almost a month.

I need to feel good.
He makes me feel good.
I'm happy with him.
I know he's happy with me.

Nothing matter's when we're together.

I can't wait for our vacation.

Obviously this had come at some point.
A REAL breakdown.
oh and SAFARI on windows is the best thing ever.
I just downloaded it.

The easiest thing to do is drink all the pain away.
My last nervous breakdown happened when I was in college.
I cut all my hair off.
I pretty much had an inch of hair.

This time it came as more of a, "kill the enviroment around me" type of breakdown.
I tore down my walls. I stopped half way and just cryed.
I have no future. My production company is dead.
No really.
I killed it.
It's no more.
I don't want to do it here anymore.
I'm tired.
...of everything, and everyone and their lies.

I need an honest person in my life. Someone
who wont let me down. It's not that he let me down,
it's that he'll never understand. EVER. And I'm not about to spend
the rest of my life trying to make him someone he's not.

I love him, and I always will, but it's time to stop lieing to myself.
It's just not fair, and I'm not the only one that should feel like this.

Am I alright?
I will be.
I always will be.

And in time, it'll all be a distant memory of what once was.
and yet what could have been.

I haven't slept right for the last 3 nights.
I'm not even joking when I say that nothing is right.

he feels it.
I'm so distant lately.

Even going to work, I just feel so, UGH.
I can't wait till I move departments.
I'll be working in a bigger box at least.
And away from people that make that job impossible
to handle sometimes.

I like closing. I like closing with certain people.
I do not like opening. Ever. wait, I take it back.
I like opening on Sundays, but alone.

Perhaps I'll go get drunk off the situation soon.
i don't give a fuck.

Every dream, everything, it's all over.
I haven't stopped crying for the last 2 days.

I'm not going to tell him.
I can't.
He'd hate me.
I hate me.

They all read the same thing.
pink, yes, congratulations!, ++

all 6 of them. And they said it could never happen to me.
So much for college, and a career. So much for everything.
Perhaps this was the biggest mistake of my life.

I too much in debt already. I'm going to leave.
I'm going to move away before anyone finds out.

I should have known better.

The only person in the world I can be angry at is myself.
For being a stupid fucking girl.

It's time to escape.
I need to leave this place again for a while.
Not LJ, but Laredo.

So strange how you can feel something one day and nothing the next.

I know I can't, but apparently other people can.
but then again, these are the people that are......

I going to take a nap, in hopes that it'll make him come back sooner.
how on EARTH did I become so damn attached?

I don't care. All I know is that I've never been happier...sorta.

I can't believe how content I am where I am.
Time to let go and live.
No more wanting the people I can't have.

I've got wonderful people in my life right now.
I've got an amazing life right now.
I'm ready to smile again for real.

oh and he has always made me smile...since day 1.
But at least now I can tell him exactly why he makes me smile.

It has come to my attention that hosting shows in Laredo is much harder then many people would like to admit to. I'm not giving up, but honestly, I'm wondering where the motivation is to keep this scene alive. The June 8th Planning Fallacy show is canceled. Don't act like you did something to help this happen because you didn't. I've been one person doing this for 3 years. Even with someone now helping me, the burden still isn't off.

Nothing makes me more upset than having to cancel a show. It's discrediting, it's a shitty feeling. But I would never host a half-assed show for a band I truly cared about.

The next show (The Ready Aim Fire!) will end up being in my backyard. If I find the resources and time to host some shows elsewhere I'll let you all know. But till then, we're working on Winterfest already and are going to send out flyer's for when our committee elections will be. Be prepared for something big, something that you'll never forget. It really is time to set this up and make it something worth while. I would like to turn a profit for once in my life. I would like to show Laredo that it is possible to have a decent music scene here.

Once again, so those of you who were looking forward to this upcoming show on Friday, I'm sorry. We're still in search of a venue that will allow me to have all ages shows and not turn us down the next time because they make no profit from drinks.
I've been approached several times to host shows at +21 shows and bars and I've turned them down. I started this for a purpose, and I'll end it with that same principal. We will have all ages shows and keep music alive in our lives.

If you have any interest in helping us out as a volunteer employee with LoveHate Productions email us. vanessa@lovehaterecords.com or alejandrojustin@yahoo.com or message us on myspace. We really are looking for some dedicated individuals to help us out.

Thanks for the great years, how 'bout we do it again? and better.

-LoveHate Vanessa

It's almost been a year since I've been here.
Everything looks a little more organized.
kind of like my life.

things are better.

I do miss college station a HELL of a LOT.

and I'm leaving for the great LAS VEGAS, like....NOW.

so I'll catch this thing again some time soon. a Week from now.

Yep, I'm still alive.
Just not here.

I'm not dead, I'm just busy.
Being a bum.
and hosting shows.
and screwing myself into the ground.
that sounds all about right.
I need a Job and to get out of Laredo.
To think I ever missed this place.

Comm 203-B
Math 141-Qdrop
Anth 205-C
Acct 229-F

Overall GPR-1.904

meaning...i left with a 1.9 or higher and now..i'll be able to go back to A&M in a year.
woot.
That AND I didn't "flunk out" of college.

this makes me feel really good.
better then i've felt all year.

Yea, i know.
you think im staying, though.
and i'm not.
I've found a new home, and it really is love.
I just thought i'd drop the new blog link off here.
But then again... i'd rather not. haha
I have my first show up here in the "northern area" of Texas for the first time.
Now that LoveHate Records is a year old, its time to take step two and branch out into other areas of Texas.
It's in Brenham, so everyone wish me luck, you bastards.
It's in conjunciton with Endless Day Productions. The guy happens to be a good friend of mine.
Hope everything's going well with you all.
I've been listening to all this "old school" nostalgic music for the past two days...because...i'm pretty sick, and dying and this music makes me feel like gettingup, putting clothes on, and dancing around like a dumbass with my roomate.
I dont start work till late next week, hence i have nothing to do. I thought about going down to Laredo for the remainder of the week about 4 or 5 days or so and just...chilling..but i really have no love for my parents right now.
They stopped paying for my rent and left me with no money overhere.
wtf parents. seriously.
i lit some red candeles in my room and am just trying to let the feng shui heal me.
It aint working.
alright..i've overstayed my welcome.
I'll hook you up with that new blog link in time...
till then, hugs and kisses.
Vanessa

I saw ethandurelle last night.
I was way too amazed.
Their new stuff is just..jaw droppingly unbelievabley a-freaking-mazing.
..i also have a new blog.
not on Lj.
eyehatelivejournal.
-Vanessa

Oh i also
*made programming director for KANM.
*am being sued by a band.
*have a crush on the most amazing punk guy. <3


With Honor
This Is Our Revenge
Closets


Six Feet Deep
The Road Less Traveled
Congruent

Red Tape
Radioactivist
Strike Tonight

Xbxrx
Sixth In Sixes
Hope Until We Can't

Give Up The Ghost
We're Down Til We're Underground
Bluem

The Rise
Signal To Noise
The Fallacyof Retrospective Determinism

10 Grand
10 Grand
Bike Dance (no Scrubs)

Big Bear
Big Bear
Untitled 7

Transistor Transistor
Light The Fuse And Run
Wartime At The Apollo

Turn Pale
Kill The Lights
Beneath The Wheel

Truman's Water
Milktrain To Paydirt
Mechanical

A Trillion Barnacle Lapse
Elemental Gearbot, The
Million Dollar Legs

The Two Lone Swordsmen
From The Double Gone Chapel
Formica Fuego

Viva Death
Viva Death
Fundamentalist

We Versus The Shark
Ruin Everything
You Dont Have To Kick It

Fly Mordecai
Dreams Carved Under Indiffrent Stars
Surfacing

Neon Blonde
Chandeliers In The Savannah
Cherries In Slow Motion

Todays Last Dawn
This Was My Brother...this Was My Heart
Shoe Maker And The Wine Shop

Filmmaker
An Invitation To An Accident
Breathing Room

French Toast
In A Cave
Pattern

Funeral For A Friend
Casually Dressed And Deep In Conversation
Escape Artists Never Die

Horse The Band
R. Borlax
Seven Tentacles And Eight Flames

The Jonbenet
The Plot Thickens
Eating Lightning Prt.1

The Blood Brothers
This Adultery Is Ripe
Marooned On Piano Island

Beep Beep
Business Casual
Oh No!

The Black Maria
Lead Us To Reason
Betrayal

Report Suspicious Activity
Report Suspicious Activity
Bin Laden Determined To Strike In The U.S.

Metric
Live It Out
Hand$hake$

Blood Red
Hostage
Peeping Tom

Im going to compile a never ending list of things i must do before i die.
I'll start off with a simple list and keep adding on to it till it's complex and what not.
ps. being in Laredo makes me realize that there's nothing here for me...not even in Texas.

ADG promo picks on Friday.
possible camp out @ bestbuy for a new computer for the family.
i hate having to do the dirty work.

i kinda miss the boy from the station.

im in laredo.
i lived after driving 6.5 hours back to this shithole.

eh.

updates are overrated.

im gonna go to bed early tonight.

As if the world isnt sucking enough balls.....

Taking Back Sunday takes a bullet Adam and Eddie In hospital
Body: Earlier today the famous pop/rock band Taking Back Sunday was on the receiving end of a drive by, which struck Adam Lazzara, vocalist, and Eddie Reyes, guitarest, in the neck and upper chest (respectively). Currently the band members are both in critical condition at a local hospital (the name is unreleased due to issues with fans) The other members were petrified by shock from stray bullets that, luckily, missed the remaining band members. Doctors say the outlook is grim for Adam and Eddie and the earliest discharge date from the hospital is sometime in early January due to severe damage to the neck and heart of the two members.
~new york times

As of this moment i emancipate myself.
im my own family.

fuck my family.
all of them.
i fucking hate them.

no warped tour internship for vanessa, because they wont sign my co-signer loan forms.
If there's anyone out there that would like to[who has a job], thatd be more then great.
you'd save my life.

all they did was bitch and moan about me leaving again, not going to college, and a bunch of bullshit.
Its not even about the money.
They just dont want me to do this.
They dont fucking understand that this is my life.

So they've tied me down once again.
so when i move back to laredo for a year...im getting an apartment.
i'll get a fucking job, ill move into the dorms at TAMIU.
im not living in that house.
i never want to see them again.

they can have their own lives, because i want mine back.

I'll never fucking forget this.
EVER.
and karmas a bitch.

i'll probably put them in a home as soon as i can.
nono..theres probably better things out there.

you remember how i was inconsoleable after missing state junior year..
multiply that x10 because nothing but a goddamn signature held me back from this, and my parents dont fucking care about anything i do.

How many of you all love me?
How many of you all would give me $10 from your pocket to live one of my dreams?

no, im not crazy, or joking.

I was chosen for an internship this summer.
So, you know what an internship is?
It's like a job, but you dont get paid. In fact you pay for the experiance.

The total cost would be $4000.

Now, in my head, im thinking...thats not THAT much money...but in reality..it really is.

I would literally need $2000 asap, and the other $2000 when i leave there.

Im interning with Rockin' Roadies for Warped Tour 06.
Are you excited yet, because i already peed myself.

I'd be living in a bus for 52 days with 14 other people.
So how am i going to raise this money...*sigh*
loan for $2000.
Job for Winterbreak
maybe 2 jobs for spring semester. Any bands want to help me raise money? haha. maybe some "send vanessa on warped tour" shows. woot.
anyways..i dont update enough, because im very busy. final winterfest_05 flyer is almost done. It might go into print tommarrow.
-Vanessa
Hit me up with some comments.